Thank you both for your comments! They do help, a lot. I think it's hard coming to realize the truth about love... I always imagined that this would be quite simple. ha ha. Yes, those people who say "you'll know" must be full of it. There is definitely not one right person out there.

I think I also need to learn to chill the fuck out and stop analyzing everything and actually try to make it work before I give up. My attitude is making things worse than they need to be, and I'm becoming annoyed easily (and also being annoying as well!).

If I did break up with him though, I KNOW I would regret it.

I have some (most likely unrealistic) expectations of the things I want in life, and am having trouble seeing how well Mat and I would be able to fit things into the picture. Some of the things that bother me are all quite stupid and superficial though (such as - what if I eventually have children and want to stay at home with them, but can't because Mat won't make enough money? And then I'll be guilted into working forever because I make more. Or that, he will not stand up for himself when he needs to and become like his dad career-wise). Would it really be the end of the world though? Absolutely not. I need to get over this!

I live in Yuppieland, USA and also want my picture-perfect American Dream, where I can have the perfect relationship/career/children/house/car/life. Which is dumb because I know nobody actually has this, but everyone here is sure pretty great at pretending they do.

I'm also young and have mostly just spent time with Mat... I haven't really ever experienced the "dating world" full on. I don't know whether or not this bothers me.

I don’t want a relationship with someone else, but I like being independent and not having to worry about other people. I like being able to be selfish (for now). I want life to exist in a perfect bubble where I can do things like move, travel for work, get a PhD without having to worry about upsetting someone else’s life as well.

So today, feeling optimistic, I definitely want to try to have a better relationship.

I'm glad I started this blog, it gives me somewhere to let this all out (and it's not illegibly scrawled in a notebook, so I can actually go back and read it!)

I only meant this entry to be five sentences, MAX. I have a verbosity problem (and overly long sentence problem). When I gave my grad school admission essay to my friend Emily (English minor) to proofread, she gleefully informed me that with a few changes, I could make it into one very long (but grammatically correct!) sentence.