Love, Sasha

I've (finally) MOVED

2006-10-02T00:40:00.000-04:00

I've moved to my new domain: http://lovesasha.net . Please visit me there in the future! Same thing, just different location.

I am vowing now to never post about boring things like layouts in the future, so here is my quick once-and-done: I have everything mostly under control, just a few quirks with the comments layout, I haven't fixed how the comments show on some of the older posts (the link on the post says there's none, but they're there) and probably a few minor things that I've yet to discover.

If you do notice any errors, be a dear and let me know ^__^

I also added a "characters" page for reference (with fake pictures!), in case I am confusing when I talk about people I know. I tried to find pics that resembled the people, that part was fun.

Git along now:
http://lovesasha.net
http://lovesasha.net
http://lovesasha.net
http://lovesasha.net
http://lovesasha.net

Quick update

2006-09-27T23:21:00.000-04:00

The hair situation is not quite under control. It's lighter, yes, but not quite where I like it. It was $$$$$$ and that's all I'm going to say. Sad face :( Since I'm not completely happy, I'm going back tomorrow to get it fixed. I think the black eyebrows are also not helping. What was I thinkng??????

After work, I met up with Matteo to use his Mom's dicount card at Macy's, but I didn't find anything I liked. So, I went to the Sanrio store and got this instead for my desk at work:

It's a toaster that hold notecards that look like toast. You press a button when you want one and they pop up like toast! hahaha. I spent a good 20 mintues chatting about Hello Kitty with the store manager. MUST GET LIFE. I would post a pic of my desk at work, but I would get the beat down from security if I brought a camera in. It's quite HKish, however =^'.'^=

PostSecret

2006-09-27T00:13:00.000-04:00

Frank Warren (of PostSecret) is giving a talk at the Reading Public Museum this Saturday at 2PM. I really want to go! But alas, I have no one to go with. It is football weekend, and my social circle is small. Maybe I will get up the courage to go alone? Though I would feel quite lame.

Making new friends after college is hard. I barely know anyone here any more, and I don't really have the time to go meet new people (plus, where am I going to be meeting these people?). I'm so busy w/ work and grad classes that I only have time to see Mat/friends on the weekend.

Time for some more shallowness

2006-09-26T21:20:00.000-04:00

I made an appointment to get my hair fixed tomorrow morning. (*crosses fingers*) The funny things is that my boss was up at my site today (he sits in DC, I'm in Philly) and saw me with my freako hair. He didn't recognize me at first, haha.

So yeah, that's all I really have to write about today because I only got home a half hour ago. I went shopping after work, whee. Pictures b/c it's fun (and I had my camera out already):

You can't see it, but the one on the right is a deep blue and black stripe.

Cute things from UO clearance. Address book, adorable journal (because I need another one like I need a hole in the head), picture frames, and a super cute stationary set with envelopes, stickers, and paper folded into a cassette case (which would probably be useful if I wrote letters, but it was cute and $1). Does anyone else remember the days when Urban Outfitters was actually a cheap store? :(

Or.... the old orginal Bath & Body works logo? (hint: it's the green one in the middle). Found this while I was cleaning, hahaha. It's so old!
I've got to do more shopping before the tourists come for Christmas presents. Gah.

Holy crap

2006-09-24T23:44:00.000-04:00

Well, I could write about the fight I had with my mom before I left. Or about being bored at his drunko relative's psu game party. Or about how Mat slept really late today, and we couldn't do anything. But honestly, I'm over all that, and it really was just trivial crap. PGH was alright, could have been better, but I wasn't expecting it to be.

My immediate problem? Well see for yourself:

On the way home I stopped and bought dye for my hair. It needed a change, was looking horrible, and I decided to go for dark brown. The box picture had dark brown!! Though it did say the color was a shade of soft black... but it looked brown!!! I guess that will teach me to believe the picture over the description.

I will be washing my hair in dishwashing liquid many times in attempt to strip some of the color.

PS: excuse my deranged looks. Some of the dye is still on my skin, the distortion from my glasses gives me interesting black spots near my eyes, and holy crap, it looks even worse in person because it's so damn black (there's not much of a contrast with the dark brown walls, but in other rooms, it looks much worse!) I guess I will be working from home until I get this fixed..... hahahaha.

UPDATE: Look, I dyed it again! I was afraid to use something with a lot of bleach, so I just used a leeeeeeetle bit. It wasn't enough. My hair is still black. It does not look very nice with my pasty skin... just a couple shades lighter would be good. Now, the real question is, am I brave enough to strip it myself and recolor, or should I go the safe route and pay the $200 to have it done professionally? I would like to do it myself, would be easier to fit in my schedule, but I'm leery of all those haircolor horror stories I just read online. I should probably just make an appointment now... curses!! haha. I thought I was being adventurous in making it darker... didn't realize that I'd be screwing it up.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

2006-09-23T00:39:00.000-04:00

Tonight is quite frustrating. I'm working on my new site (I've finally found time!!) but it has been slow going. Getting Blogger beta (current blogging tool) to export to Wordpress (future blogging tool) has been a nightmare! I think I've finally gotten it under control, though the comments are messed up a bit. It's still under construction. Grr.

I will be spending the next two days in Pittsburgh. I travel too much. I was in State College and Harrisburg, PA last weekend, then in DC/MD during the week, finally came back, and now I'm leaving again. Gahhhhh. I've had no time to do laundry, so I'm doing it now, at 12:30AM. wheeeee.

So why am I going to Pittsburgh, you ask?? Well, I'm visiting Mat's family. Not quite sure why they want me to come out there (I see them at the stupid football games every weekend, though that's another story), but I am. Mat has two Italian grandmothers, one of which lives with his parents and speaks no English while the other lives down the street and speaks with a thick accent. Over the years I have learned a tiny bit of Italian, but the grandmothers speak Sicilian, which I don't understand at all. They are the quintessential picture of old fascist Italy: they wear the standard black Italian "little old lady" garb. They run around cooking and cleaning all day, while watching Italian TV and frequently arguing with each other (about cooking or cleaning, of course). Apparently they (whom I never speak to and they never speak to me) want me to visit???

I'd much rather stay home. It's a 4.5 hour drive each way. I have a lot of things to catch up on and I keep getting farther behind because I have to give up my weekends for Mat and stupid football, and now this. I'm getting annoyed. This is not going to continue happening!!!!!!!! haaaaaa. I'm boycotting next week's game. I know Mat will try to convince me to go, but fuck him, I made it clear before he even bought the tickets that I was not going. Silly me to expect him to understand this!! And even stupider of me to allow myself to get roped into going each week. It's only been two games, but this is my blog and I feel like being a big whiner right now.

Expect a rant on Sunday when I get back (probably about the Mat situation or Mat's family). My feelings are like a pendulum: one minute I'm swinging toward bliss, then next I'm right at annoyance. I'm at annoyance now. I have been getting annoyed at him a lot lately. This can't be a good sign.

Also, I think I am weird. I very much enjoy staying in on a Friday night. It's not that I don't enjoy the company of others, but I very much enjoy my own. When I admit this, I feel like a narcissistic antisocial weirdo... but it's quite true! haha. Sometimes it's nice not to have to do anything or associate with anyone. Maybe this is where the whole introvert thing comes into play.

2006-09-22T00:26:00.001-04:00

this is how you procrastinate, children

2006-09-20T00:26:00.000-04:00

Now, I should be doing things like packing for my trip or ironing my clothes for tomorrow so that I can leave on time (I am not a morning person in the least. I usually get to work between 9 and 9:30). I should have left tonight, the drive from Philly to DC in the morning is one big mess of traffic.

But, after watching today's show, I decided to dress my swiffer up in clothing instead. Hello kitty represent!!!! you can also see my new walls. I'll probably post a pic after I finish decorating :)

And, since it was on my camera too, here is my work buddy squirrley. Squirrley chills with me when I work from home on those days I decide to work on the patio.

I'm going on a diet! For real!

2006-09-18T19:58:00.000-04:00

I'm busy at work! This is a blessing, because I haven't really been *busy* yet. But I also have a lot to do, and being new, I don't know our program very well. It makes me slow, and I'm a very impatient person. I'm also going down to DC again this week on Wed and Thurs. For the group picnic, haha, such pressing business. Should be fun though!

I've decided that I'm dieting/exercising. I've had it. I weigh over 160 lbs. Now, it's really not that bad, since I am pretty tall, but I need to wear a bikini in 3 weeks. I would say that I don't necessarily look overweight, but I have the Mischa Barton effect: ie, how is it possible to be fat and skinny at the same time? Let's just say, I need to do some toning.

And so, I am telling this to the internet, in hopes that now that I have told "the world", I will have to put some sort of effort behind this. My goal will be to lose 5lbs.

I always felt kind of "fat" growing up. I outweighed many of my friends by a good 30-40 lbs most of the time. I stopped being able to wear children's clothes in third grade. It was really hard to feel "girly" when I both outweighed and towered over all the boys in junior high. ha ha. I definitely did not get asked out on any dates :P

(<-- my old body) I don't know what the hell I was thinking, because I was very skinny. I weigh about 15lbs more now than I did in high school. I have only started to like the way I look in these last few years... why couldn't I appreciate these things earlier? sigh.

Stupid Football :(

2006-09-15T19:42:00.000-04:00

I just want to stay home and relax this weekend! :( I told Mat that I wasn't going to go to the PSU game tomorrow earlier in the week, buuuuuut today he somehow convinced me to go :( WTF, why did I agree to this? This wastes my whole day tomorrow, and I get bored after the first quarter. I want to cancel it, but I feel bad :( I hate wasting my whole day for something that's boring. Gotta drive the 3+ hours there, stand around in the parking lot for awhile, go to the game, stand around again, and drive 3+ hours back. DULL... I told him before he bought the tickets that I wouldn't want to go. I was up for last time (although the rain made it miserable), but I just don't really care anymore.

I used to not stand up for myself, so if I was bored, I wouldn't say it. I would watch sports with him, listen to him and his friends talk about sports, etc... but I'm over that. I think over my time in college I definitely became more assertive - I'm much more assertive now than when we first started dating (ok, I've very assertive now. I blame all the years of group projects). I hate talking about sports, I'm just not interested.

Then, I work in a male dominated field. There really are no other women to talk to in my "area" at work... and this one guy who sits near me always tries to talk to me about college football (like I give a crap). Ok, I'm polite and chat with him because I don't want to be mean, but urg. And there's happy hour. I like happy hour as much as the next, and when I was at the conference a few weeks ago I met some other new hires who work in a different part of the company and do happy hour regularly. Out of 40 guys, there's 3 girls :( Happy hour blows. It's sitting at a bar (while sports are playing of course) talking about sports (and sometimes poker). I know I can try to change the topic of conversation, but I can only do it so many times before I feel selfish and controlling. So I don't.

Earlier this week, I went to an impromptu happy hour with someone I knew from college. OMG, same deal. 10 guys talking about sports and me. And, how did I handle this? By playing with my phone, having my mom call me so they could see me talking on it, and then telling them that *darn it* I had to go because Mat locked his keys in his apartment and I had to go let him in.

I think I'm boycotting happy hour from now on. I'm tired of sports. I want to stay home this weekend, decorate my room, finish my new layout, and probably wash my car (I swear, every bird in the neighborhood has decided to take a crap on it. that's what I get for parking under a tree). But now, football has to try to ruin my day again! I'm sick of f'ing sports! HA! But now I'm antisocial :(

I found out today that I'm could be going back to DC for work next week. I have to decide if it's actually worth it for me to go this weekend. I don't really want to go, it's not something important, but I feel as if I should, so I'll probably be there for two or three days next week. bleh!

untitled

2006-09-11T21:15:00.000-04:00

I originally wrote a post about 9/11, but I took it down. It just felt somewhat uncomfortable, you know? Even though it's things I want to say, I don't want to talk about it! And I just feel uneasy posting anything now. *~* I know I'm incredibly lucky that none of my relatives died, but others were not so lucky. It is a hard time of the year for those who are still grieving.

Sick

2006-09-09T23:28:00.000-04:00

i've been sick the last few days. I maybe have the flu? I haven't been sick since I was... 12 years old? urgh. had to check my email (i've been wondering about it all day), now i'm gonna go lie down. i don't even feel like being online anymore. that is how I know I'm really sick, haha.

i've been laying here watching Extreme Makeover on the Style Network.. I don't think it's helping. Plastic surgery is disgusting, and these poor people are all suffering after having their bodies cut open. I watched my brother have two nose jobs (medically necessary, he's not a Michael Jackson wannabe addicted to new noses :P) and the suffering was painful to watch. For days after the surgery, he laid around moaning in pain with his nose packed with cotton and bleeding through it (ewwwwwwwwwww).

I don't really have anything against plastic surgery or people's motivations behind it, but I don't think I could ever do it unless I was hideously deformed in an accident. It's hard enough to watch the people on tv... but somehow I just can't look away. eww. ow. time to go.

2006-09-06T23:41:00.000-04:00

I found the most adorable website today -> Non Dairy Diary. It is the blog of a very talented illustrator.. soooo creative and adorable. Knowledge of French a plus, but there is some English.

It makes me want to draw again - I used to draw all the time, like her (though not nearly as talented). I finally figured out what kind of layout I want for my new site, so once it is up maybe I'll upload some of my art! Problem though: I don't have a scanner large enough for some of my drawings, so I will have to use my digital camera.

Crap... I forgot I have class tomorrow. I have to work all day, then class right after work till 8:30PM. AND, it's a Software Engineering class. double boo ;_; (why am I whining? I signed up for this!! :P). Ok, I really must stop my addiction to this blog. Tomorrow I'm banning myself from my home computer for the day (12 hours with work and school should kill me to begin with).

Here it goes again

2006-09-05T23:23:00.000-04:00

Last night I thought the paint on the wall looked kind of blotchy because it was drying slowly. Turns out I was wrong: it actually was blotchy because I used the wrong kind of roller (my mom told me we had rollers, so by the time I was ready to paint I didn't feel like running back out again. I thought it would paint normally). So, I spent tonight painting again. I'm covered head to toe in paint, whee.

It won't come off! I came into work today with little paint splotches all over my fingernails and hands. I didn't even bother to iron my shirt today (ok, this was due mostly to me waking up late and laziness). Luckily, I work with people in DC and I'm based out of Philly, so my coworkers can't see what I'm wearing and no one else cares. My office doesn't have much of a dress code - usually I wear jeans and a shirt that doesn't need ironing to begin with. I used the diversion tactic, and wore my 4 inch heels so people would look at my feet and not at my wrinkly shirt.

On the plus side, it looks like my room is made out of chocolate! I want to lick the walls. :P

On the negative side, it's given me a major craving for chocolate. I've been eating pretzels dipped in nutella all night. This does not bode well: I'm going to Hilton Head (aka wearing a bikini) next month and considering dieting. I've never really gone on a diet before. Usually I think about it for awhile, then say "screw it!" because I want some ice cream or something like that. But, my midsection is not what I would like it to be and it's been raining so much that I haven't been able to do my usual biking routine after work. Maybe all this painting counts as exercise?? *X ^_^ X*

The entry in which I vent about Mat and cleaning.

2006-09-04T20:56:00.000-04:00

Mat said something to me this weekend about moving in together. I was surprised that he thought I would actually move in with him! Not because of our relationship, but because of other things. When we were in college, Mat lived in a 2 bedroom apartment with 4 other guys. His apt was always disgusting, and he used to claim that when he lived alone it would be nice and clean. I didn't think much of it because most college apartments (especially boys') are dirty and gross.

His current apt is still disgusting. He never cleans or throws anything away. He moved in at the beginning of the year, and still has moving boxes scattered all over his apartment. He has piles and piles of junk mail, not to mention other things, strewn about. It's trashy and gross. Before his mom visted a couple weeks ago and cleaned his bathroom, it was so dirty that I could write messages in his shower with a q-tip (ie, "clean me!" "yucky"). He also lives about 45 minutes north of me, so my commute from his place to my office in the morning would be 1-2 hours... yeah right :P

I just have trouble seeing him as a mature and competant adult because of his apartment. I have tried everything - cleaning it, showing him how to clean it, helping him organize things, and once I stopped coming over to his place for 2 months because it was gross. I realize he's not going to change, I don't want to be bitchy about it, and I'm trying not to ask for a lot here, but, um, ew!

I painted my new room this weekend. Sometimes I think about moving out, and I'd really like to. But, my parents kind of want me to stay (empty nest syndrome) and the cost of living is FREE. So I can't complain. I think I'm just going to save up, and in two years when I graduate from the program I'm in at work and get a new position, I'll buy a house of my own with all the money I'm saving. Since I'll never let Mat move in if he's going to be gross, I'll become the old crazy cat lady who's been dating the same man for 40 years with no end in sight (à la Theodora Dix in Anne of Green Gables).

GOAAAAAAAAAAALLLLL

2006-09-03T20:35:00.000-04:00

Yesterday (Saturday), I went to Penn State for the first football game of the season. Now, I hate watching sports, but going to games isn't that bad. Mat's extended family comes up to tailgate (which is basically getting to the game early, and standing around in the parking lot eating and drinking until game time). They cook lots of delicious food and I get to hang out with everyone I used to see in college.

Unfortunately, we had an extra guest: Ernesto. :( Ernesto seasoned my food with acid rain. Ernesto was supposed to have moved on by noon. Ernesto decided that he liked Happy Valley so much that he stayed until early Sunday morning.

I stood and sat in the rain for about 9 hours. It was cold and miserable. Mat's family did have tents, but there were only so many tables of food and people that would fit under them.

After the game Mat and I stopped at the Nittany "Mall" on the way out of town so that Mat could buy another pair of jeans (let me explain: Mat's family pays the premium to park in the paved lot outside the stadium. But his and most people's parking passes are for grassy fields, which thanks to all the rain from the past week, were muddy mudlots).

The new pants are quite possibly an improvement: Mat favors Levi's - the tight kind he claims they wear in Italy. I maintain that they're hideous - the legs taper! I've been to Italy, and sure, the pants were tight, but there was not a tapering pant leg to be found. Plus, his jeans are all a little too small for him as he had gained about a size since January but was in denial and wouldn't buy new pants. He claims he likes the ones he has.

Anyways, he bought non-tapered ones (though still kind of tight) from the Gap. I hate Mat's lack of a fashion sense. I had to forcibly buy him a pair of flip-flops and short socks and explain to him that you don't wear long socks and sneakers with shorts (because you look like a big dork, you moron!!!!!). This never used to annoy me as much as it does now. Funny how the little things grow on you...

After that, we met up with some friends in Harrisburg to go to the bars downtown. I won't bore you with all the usual gossip of what went on, but of course when we got back at 2AM the boys wanted to watch more football.

How do they find watching football so interesting??? Interesting enough to re-watch games again that they've actually been to - I mean they KNOW what happens already. pfft. The only highlight of this is when I looked up at what they were watching and proclaimed "hey, he's hot!" at a sweaty Brady Quinn talking to cameras after the Georgia Tech - Notre Dame game. In "boy world," this was apparently akin to the feud between the Capulets and the Montagues - you see, Penn State and Notre Dame play against each other next week.

I enjoy pissing them off sometimes, especially Mat as he is a diehard PSU fan. Plus, Brady Quinn really is hot.

Bloggy blog blog blog

2006-08-31T22:00:00.000-04:00

Got my new domain: http://lovesasha.net. There's nothing there yet :) I had some problems with getting hosting (the hosting company I signed up for didn't set up my @$%! account... so I switched to a new one, and all is good for now!) I'm going to State College on Saturday for the first football game of the season and don't know when I'll be back. But this is a holiday weekend, so I will hopefully have time to work on my website.

In other nerdy news, I'm actually now a registered member of slashdot.

Mat came over last night and we made dinner together... aww :) Vodka pasta and salad. Gotta love the vodka sauce. We also played Scrabble. we spent some quality time together being nerdy :)

I feel like it's really late at night right now, but it's just 10:30PM. I'm tired. I think I'll work from home tomorrow. There was a water main break and the road from they highway to my office was closed. Traffic was backed up for miles and miles. gah. The kind of traffic where you can see everyone freaking out b/c they're late for work, and there is much cussing as other drivers and flipping the middle finger. Philly drivers are not known for being polite. I'm just as bad as everyone else though, so I can't complain (though I did NOT give anyone the finger).... and HA! I'm writing about traffic in my blog! Who seriously gives an eff....

It must be bedtime :)

oh dearie me

2006-08-29T23:33:00.000-04:00

This is my 37th post. I originally created this as a private blog where I could just send my whinings out into cyberspace (and so that I can look back and tell what I was thinking at certain points in my life). I kind of like it, soooo I bought hosting/a domain tonight !! Haha. Now I can throw myself wholly into my nerdiness, without having people I actually know witness my decline into super happy website girl. I just need to wait for everything to finish getting set up, then I will be putting it up!

Isn't it funny how I'm on a computer ALL DAY at work, then after I come home and chill, I'm back online again. We had some bad storms today, and I was hoping we would lose power so that I'd be forced to give myself a break! (in all fairness, I was largely computer-free all last week).

I'm trying to decide whether to use Wordpress. Wordpress is nice, and I can make customized hacks, so I think I will stick with it. But Blogger is so nostalgic! It was my first real blogging tool, wayyyyy back in '99. Those were the days when everyone was using Grey Matter, and I was sooo jealous because my (free isp) hosting didn't support it. I've been a blogger for a long time. *_*

I've been having internet connection problems and it's driving me crazy. I'm on shitty wireless right now, and my connection keeps fizling, so I keep refreshing pages a million times. Hopefully this posts!

:/ gutted!

2006-08-28T22:04:00.000-04:00

For the first time in my life, I'm not going "back to school" with everyone else. How depressing. I have to work. For the rest of my life. Gah!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK ok, I am technically still going to school. I'm getting my master's in IT and taking two classes (Software Engineering and an Algorithms class). But, I'm also working full time, so I have work and class. I'm in for some loooooooooooooooooooong days ahead. I already know that Thursday will be a 12+ hour day. Hopefully I'll have some downtime at work, and can study when I don't have anything to do.

Sometimes, I question my career choice. The job I originally accepted was as a Systems Engineer for a different part of my company. It paid a LOT. More than I make now (about $5,000 more). But, because of the state of things (*cough*IraqWar*cough*) there wasn't a lot of new work coming in, and they didn't have actual work for us new hires to do. I would have had to do a temporary assignment - meaning a 10% (temporary?) raise, all living/food/transportation expenses paid, in sunny San Jose, CA.

Yes. I could have been on the beach right now, living it up. Instead, I got myself into a Leadership Development Program where I go to conferences, grad school (they pay UPFRONT! no tuition cap! at a good/expensive university), and do rotations in my job. It's a pretty good way to climb up the ladder more quickly, and also a way to ensure that I will be getting my Master's instead of putting it off (or taking 6 years). Plus, I have this pesky grant from the state that requires me to work and live in PA for each year I got it (3) or I'll have to pay it back....... yeah.

Many times I wish I was basking on the beach in sunny CA instead of putting in what I've been warned will become 50-60 hour weeks of work & school. Like now. I want to go on vacation!

I was all ready to start my new domain! Then, I realized that classes start this week, so I have less time. Then, little bro moves back to college (and I acquire the brothers' old room, which is huge). Nice! But I have to decorate. Even less time. (and i've been putting together ideas, but still don't really love anything)

Then, the first PSU Football game is this weekend! I hate football, but going to games is fun. Tailgating is fun. Getting drunk and screaming along with 110,000 fans? Also fun! (you can hear the noise from miles away, it's amazing)

So, this eats up my weekend (along with decorating and painting.) In all probability? I'll make my new website in spite of all this. Procrastination is what I do best.

time to nerd it up!

2006-08-26T16:00:00.000-04:00

I'm thinking about getting a domain for this blog! And making an entire website.

I already have one, but everyone I know reads that. A whole new domain though! With a new layout, whee. Which I will not show anyone I know (so I won't be inhibited, and can post whatever I want w/o being embarassed). I can have my blog, pages about me, my art (because I hate showing to people I actually know!), free layouts, a page like Dress Kevin (how cool is that?), recipes, book reviews, knitting patterns, etc etc etc.

I'm such a dork.

But seriously, who doesn't love a good project?

I'll probably put the other one on haitus (although, I will lose all my readers :( )

home again, again. drama time!

2006-08-25T22:35:00.000-04:00

I ended up skipping the thing on Wednesday night! Ha, I'm lame, I know, but it sounded lame anyways. I skipped dinner, too! and hermited it up in my room. It was so relaxing. I ended up going to bed early (10:30PM! it's early for me, I usually fall asleep around 1AM)

Thursday turned out to be not so bad :) Actually, really fun! My functional group (13 of us) had a party in our manager's suite. Everyone in our group is young (21-26?) and our manager has kids our age, so it's an interesting dynamic. Then we went to someone's room and drank, went to someone else's room and drank, went to my room and drank, left the booze there, and went to the bar to sing kareoke (periodically going up to my room to refill on cheap booze). Do you see the theme??

See??? I can have fun, after all, and be social! It's just getting out there that bothers me. I don't like to go "socialize" with people. I have so much trouble getting motivated to go. But when I'm there, after the initial awkwardness, I'm usually fine and have fun.

Well, I think I got Mat pissed off at me. Before we went to the bar, I talked to him briefly on the phone and said that we were going to the bar to do kareoke. Later in the evening I came back up with one of my group members. While I was in the bathroom, he answered my phone, which I think pissed him off. I talked to Mat, he seemed ok, then went back down. When I came back up after the bar closed, I had 4 missed calls. very annoying.

I think he may be jealous?? Sometimes he gets paranoid that I will cheat on him. He sometimes makes inappropriate cracks about this that are not funny. This annoys me to no end, and actually sometimes make me wish I could!! Does he want me to cheat on him?? It's like he's trying making this an issue when it's not. It's annoying. And honestly, it makes me wish that I could at least try the single life again (which in turn makes me feel scummy. i'm such an asshole. the conference was filled with 500 people with good jobs and who had been extensively background-checked. more than half were male. it is heaven for single people.)

This is why I fight with him! ha. In one of my classes, we did something about personalities (instead of the standard Myers-Briggs, it was based around four character types: Analyzer, Stabalizer, Controller, Persuader). We were supposed to analyze a co-worker we had trouble communicating with, but I analyzed Mat instead. It seems like we are too similar! He definitely has a stabalizer personality, and so do I - at work. But when I'm with him, I feel like I'm much more agressive because I get annoyed with him being so passive. Is it that I dislike(in him) the things I dislike about myself? Who knows. I'm over it now. So is he (I think!)

He asked me how I would feel if a girl answered my phone. Honestly, I probably wouldn't care that much (which makes me wonder... should I care more??? I'm not really a jealous person that way). I don' t think he would cheat on me. And, being 100% honest, if he did then I would at least know that we weren't meant to be (it would be upsetting, but in a way, a relief that I wouldn't have to make up my mind. I sometimes feel like he likes me more than I like him. Or he is more sure of it, anyways). But he knew I was hanging out with people ahead of time, he could hear them in the background. *sigh*

See Sasha whine. Whine, Sasha, whine.

2006-08-23T17:31:00.000-04:00

I've been at a conference in DC all week.

ARRGH!! I'm going CRAZY here!!!!!!!

I'm so incredibly sick of being around people 100% of the time. It's like freshman orientation at college, but lasting all week instead of a day. Every detail of the day is scheduled. We have classes, meetings, cafeteria meals, and "fun" events. I know we are supposed to get to know each other and bond and "network," but I haven't even really had any time to myself. This is the first real time I've had sit down for more than a few mintues and check email.

I need time to myself to "recharge." Being around people all day makes me cranky! I'm tired. I want to rest. Right now, I'm in my room being antisocial. I haven't even bothered to go get dinner yet, because I want time to myself to relax a little or I will be very cranky indeed tonight. I think I may skip it entirely :) The food here is horrible, anyways.

I hate the whole awkwardness of this prolonged social contact. The forced small talk. And the constant inquiries about my last name (yes, it is unusual and hard to pronounce. yes, it is Polish. I realize that only 1 of 10 letters is a vowel. Thanks for your witty insight!! see, I really am cranky ;) ) I just want to zone out a little and chill!! This is the whole being introverted thing. (i'm a INTJ in the Myers-Briggs test. Yes, I've been asked that this week!)

I'm not shy or antisocial. I got up to go running with my team at 6AM Monday AND Tuesday! (Luckily I was not the only one walking!) Yesterday night, I got dragged to the bar and ended up closing it. It's not that I'm antisocial - I can have fun, but I just don't want to. I hate uncomfortable situations. I need a nap. How bad would it be if I skipped this whole thing and just went to bed now?

We have another event tonight at 8, "food and fun." I really want to skip it, but I wonder if anyone would notice? I think I will go down and see what it is like, then leave right away :) The thing with so many people being here is that it's hard to find anyone I know (and then I just feel like a weirdo when I can't find anyone). YES, I realize that the whole point of this is to network and " make new friends," but really eveyone just hangs out with their friends. I feel weird and awkward and uncomfortable! Boo.

Books

2006-08-22T18:01:00.000-04:00

Book Tag from Too_Lively: :)

Note: I am drunk blogging. I started this post while sober, but want to finish it before signing off. Please forgive any stupid answers or typos:

1. One book that changed your life –
I don't really know if any book really changed my life per se, though quite a few have made me look at life differently. I think that many Kay Gibbons books have helped me to understand where my grandmother is coming from, ie the role of women in the past (NOT PRESENT).

2. One book that you’ve read more than once –
I read most books I like more than once. Children's books like Little House on the Prairie, Anne of Green Gables, Emily of New Moon, etc. I still like to read them (I know, lame, but I really do like kid's books! Especially old ones. And LM Montgomery doesn't really count as a children's author, anyways). Other things that makes my rounds regularly, largely because they're on my bookshelf - White Oleander, Memoirs of Geisha, Outlander, Sushi for Beginners, and many more that I cannot think of during this (drunk) moment.

3. One book you’d want on a desert island - A book about survival (makes senses) :) Then, sommething incredibly long, like a Jean Aeul Nature's Children box set or a Shakespeare anthology.

4. One book that made you laugh – Cheaper by the Dozen, by Frank & Ernestine Gilbreth, anything by Marian Keyes

5. One book that made you cry – Ellen Foster by Kaye Gibbons ;_;

6. One book that you wish had been written – one by me? I like to write, but I have trouble finding time and an environment where I can FOCUS. Also, I'll write a good amount, then decide that I hate the plot, change what I've written it, get a bit farther, do a lot of rewriting, etc. I have a hard time deciding what I like ( I also have a need for realism! Probably I'm so cynical, and try to write romances. It doesn't mix well. haha). Other than this egotistical answer, one about how to (REALLY) be rich/happy/wonderful? A guide to my life? A book of future winning lottery #'s (viewable only by ME)?

7. One book you wish had never been written – anything by Ann Coulter?? haha. Also, some books on relationships are BAD. I don't know if I would wish that they hadn't been written, though.

8. One book you’re currently reading – Ha, I'm not really reading much right now, since I'm not at home. Before I left I grabbed this month's copy of Reader's Digest, and Jonathon Livingston Seagull (which I found under my carpet right before I left and is about 3 weeks overdue at the library)

9. One book you’ve been meaning to read –
So many! Lots of books about programming ( I never get around to it / it is not exactly much fun ). I also would like to reread The Grapes of Wrath and Anna Karenina. I read them when I was in middle school, and many parts probably went over my head. That's why I like to re-read books, you get a much deeper understanding of them, and you're able to get a better grasp the second time around.

I am posting now so that I don't lose the post that I started. Sorry for the drunk blog (though hopefully it's entertaining!)!!

Boo, Firefox. Hooray glasses!

2006-08-20T00:02:00.000-04:00

I had a post written, but Firefox crashed and it got lost :( When I was re-signing in, I inadvertantly signed up for Blogger beta (I think this means that people with Blogger profiles aren't automatically logged in when posting comments, or at least that's what the Internet tells me).

When I get tired, I have difficulty seeing (hence why I accidentally switched to Blogger beta). My eyesight is 20/200. You know when you have to read the eyechart at the doctor's? That is the equivalent to not being able to see the eye chart (actually, 20/200 is being able to see the big E, so mine is actually worse than that). With contacts I can see 20/20 (and almost that with glasses), but my greatest fear is becoming blind.

To an extent, I become bitter when reading books/watching movies. (Fake bitter, not real bitter :) does that even make sense to anyone? o_o) Castaway? Robinson Crusoe? I would have died within a couple days due to starvation, being eaten by cannibals, or being bonked on the head by a falling coconut which I totally didn't see. Historical fiction? ha. I would be "legally blind" back in the day without sufficient lens technology! Assholes. I have tons of respect for people who are actually blind. I don't think I could cope.

Yes, so what was an original post about my life, is now a post about me not being able to fricken see anything. See Exhibit A (which I made for a class where we had a photoshop filters assignment):

This is a photo I took of the Queen's Hamlet at Versailles, France. Je l'adore :)

I went shopping today. I think I regret one of my major purchases :( Why did I buy it? I can wear it exactly two places. I don't even think I can return it, though the checkout girl told me I could. why do i do these things.

It's past 1:00AM. I have to pack for a business trip that will last Sunday-Friday (and I have to leave tomorrow at 10AM). I still haven't even fully upacked from my last one.

It looks like my closet threw up all over my room. I hate all my clothes!! and how i look in them. Aaurrgh! And my shoes. and, my watch stopped today.

I'm just overwhelmed by this mess! I want to crawl into bed and sleep and not even think about going. I'm nervous about this whole trip already :( I have to be around large groups of people all week, and I am getting roped in to going running every morning with my boss and my group at 6AM! He has been talking about this for the last month. Like any sane person, I assumed he was joking. I realized on Friday that he is dead serious!! I cannot tell you the last time I was awake at 6, unless it was because I had stayed up all night. I think I need to tell him how sadly mistaken he is that this will actually work! :P

I don't think I will be posting much this week. I'll have to "socialize" with my coworkers, whom I haven't met yet. I hate being around other people all the time. This article describes me to a T - I am so introverted (though not shy ;) )

I want to be six years old again, when my biggest problem was what I should play next.

Yeah, the original point of this post: to say that I hung out with Mat last night and tonight and things seem fine. I love him. Though some things do annoy me, I am not breaking up with him in the near future.

Musings

2006-08-17T22:44:00.000-04:00

Thank you both for your comments! They do help, a lot. I think it's hard coming to realize the truth about love... I always imagined that this would be quite simple. ha ha. Yes, those people who say "you'll know" must be full of it. There is definitely not one right person out there.

I think I also need to learn to chill the fuck out and stop analyzing everything and actually try to make it work before I give up. My attitude is making things worse than they need to be, and I'm becoming annoyed easily (and also being annoying as well!).

If I did break up with him though, I KNOW I would regret it.

I have some (most likely unrealistic) expectations of the things I want in life, and am having trouble seeing how well Mat and I would be able to fit things into the picture. Some of the things that bother me are all quite stupid and superficial though (such as - what if I eventually have children and want to stay at home with them, but can't because Mat won't make enough money? And then I'll be guilted into working forever because I make more. Or that, he will not stand up for himself when he needs to and become like his dad career-wise). Would it really be the end of the world though? Absolutely not. I need to get over this!

I live in Yuppieland, USA and also want my picture-perfect American Dream, where I can have the perfect relationship/career/children/house/car/life. Which is dumb because I know nobody actually has this, but everyone here is sure pretty great at pretending they do.

I'm also young and have mostly just spent time with Mat... I haven't really ever experienced the "dating world" full on. I don't know whether or not this bothers me.

I don’t want a relationship with someone else, but I like being independent and not having to worry about other people. I like being able to be selfish (for now). I want life to exist in a perfect bubble where I can do things like move, travel for work, get a PhD without having to worry about upsetting someone else’s life as well.

So today, feeling optimistic, I definitely want to try to have a better relationship.

I'm glad I started this blog, it gives me somewhere to let this all out (and it's not illegibly scrawled in a notebook, so I can actually go back and read it!)

I only meant this entry to be five sentences, MAX. I have a verbosity problem (and overly long sentence problem). When I gave my grad school admission essay to my friend Emily (English minor) to proofread, she gleefully informed me that with a few changes, I could make it into one very long (but grammatically correct!) sentence.

Dementia II

2006-08-17T01:36:00.000-04:00

I'm supposed to go to dinner/movie tomorrow tonight (Thurs) with Mat. I haven't really gone on a "date" date in a long time with him. We'll see how it goes.

Actually, I haven't been talking to him all that much lately. We used to talk every day. It got old. We had nothing to talk about, but he would insist we need to call each other (during which he would proceed to watch tv and not hear anything I said). So, for the past month or two I have stopped calling him altogether, and now we only talk once or twice a week. I have really been ignoring him lately, becasue he's been getting on my nerves.

I don't know if I'm ready to "end it" yet though. I think I analyze it too much. I was all ready to a couple weeks ago (before I started the blog), but I really wanted to go to the PostSecret exhibit so we went, then it seemed weird to hang out and THEN break up, then we went back to his apt and as I was about to say it he started talking about how much our relationsip means to him, and blah blah blah. So of course I couldn't do it. Then, I changed my mind and haven't tried it again.

I think, if I am not sure about this by now, I should probably just end it. Get it over with. But he really is my best friend :( I don't want to not be friends with him, but if I break up with him then that will be it.

But if I don't, then I'm wasting my youth on a guy I will break up with, and will end up old and wrinkly and alone. I think I am coming to the realization that i do not want to marry him (or do I???). Everyone says that when you know, you know.. but I know sometimes, and don't know other times. Guess this means I really don't know, and should go through with it (not tomorrow though). I'm sure I'll be using this blog to analyze this later :(

I never said I wasn't neurotic. Or demented. ><

Dementia I

2006-08-16T23:17:00.000-04:00

After I graduated from college, I had a couple months where I was just lounging around doing nothing (was supposed to travel, but my friend backed out b/c she got a job and had to start right away, boo). So, I would help my neighbor Kim by attempting to keep her 6-month old baby (Kacee) from crying while she was working at home and talking on the phone.

Kim's grandmother has dementia, and while her parents were on vacation for a week, the grandmother stayed with her.

The grandmother is obsessed with photos of her family, which includes her grandson Zach. Like I said, she has dementia, so she isn't quite all there and would engage me in the same conversation every 5 minutes. Enter "the photo."

"Look at my grandson Zach!" she proudly crowed, "isn't he handsome?"

I looked at the photo she was waving in the air. Except, it wasn't a photo. It was a "Saved by the Bell" trading card of Zach Morris, which had his picture, the "Saved by the Bell" logo (little squiggly signs and all), and the name "Zach" emblazoned on the front.

Then, Kim would storm into the room. "Grandma! That's not Zach, that's from a tv show! You got it out of a cereal box!" They would argue for awhile, then she would go back to work for awhile before the cycle repeated.

Baby Kacee would clap her hands and giggle.

Blabble blabble, look! Pictures!

2006-08-15T22:38:00.000-04:00

I never know what to say to the cleaning lady when she comes to empty the trash in my cube. It used to be some young kid who I would exchange pleasantries with, but now it's an old lady who takes forever and uses the time to ask awkward questions. I usually put my headphones on and pretend to be listening to music, ha. How lame am I. In my past jobs, we weren't even allowed to have personal trash cans b/c of security reasons, ha. enough with the nerdy talk. (I almost started talking about the new version of Blogger, thank god I stopped!)

And, because pictures make things more interesting:

Look! I am growing a mango tree! Or, I will watch the seed sprout, plant it, then forget to water it and it will die. Or I will leave it outside and the cold weather will kill it. Either way, it's demise is inevitable. Note the backsplash that my mother made me paint in our kitchen, which was supposed to be "temporary," five years ago.

I also have been afflicted with a zit the size of Texas. I thought I was past this stage in life? No amount of concealer will cover it up :( When I lived in CO, my skin was perfect (look! pictoral evidence!). Perhaps it was the low humidity. Or the elevation, it gets blamed for lots of things.

Yes, I actually posted a picture of my zit on the internet (actually, it doesn't look as bad after I made the picture smaller). behold a girl with no life!!!!

wish I had something interesting to say, all I have are more things about work that I shouldn't post, which is OK. I will probably work from home tomorrow, and with the two hours saved in commuting I will do a little retail therapy!

Little bro works at QVC, so I have to use his discount as many times as possible before his internship ends. QVC suprisingly has nice beauty products, like Smashbox, Mally, Tarte, and Philosophy, which I get a 30% discount on. woo. I never realized before that expensive beauty products really do make a different.

Then I need some fierce outfits for my trip to VA next week. My goal: intimadate the future elite of my company! This may call for the 4 inch heels to make an appearance.

Yummy yummy in my tummy

2006-08-15T00:06:00.000-04:00

I had dinner last night (Monday) with Mat's family (his mom was there, and cooked). Tasty! I got pissed off at him b/c he wasn't there when I showed up (he said he was "stuck at the golf course." boo hoo.) But the evening was actually pleasant.

Mat is in a weird situation b/c his dad lost his job a few months ago and could not find a new one in Pittsburgh (depressed city! he's from an old coal-mining town, that is also referred to as "Helltown"). He found one sort of near where Mat lives, so his dad lives with him durng the week.. kind of awkward! But he should be moving out soon.

I don't really like Mat's dad. He's nice enough, but I don't think he makes very intelligent decisions and doesn't "get" things. Not that he's stupid, but just someone who doesn't "get" it. He is easily pushed around and believes easily what other people tell him. I feel kind of bad because he doesn't make much money (even though he's an engineer, I make a lot more just starting out of college). Mat once told me that the town where he grew up is not where his mom wanted to live. You see, Mat's dad (before Mat was born) his dad bought land for a house in a new subdivision without talking to his mom. No warning.

Asshole! I would have flipped out right there. But apparently, "it was ok" because "Mat's grandfather said it was a good piece of land." Um yeah. I know Mat isn't like that, but it bothers me. I think maybe it's just the old-school Italian culture (actually, not that old-school). He has a grandmother that lives with his family at home, and another one just down the street. They cook and clean all day (and argue with each other about it). I had to teach him things like how to vaccuum and what toilet bowl cleaner was (and also why you shouldn't wear tube socks with shorts, though that was just a few weeks ago, oh dear lord)

I made sauce tonight from tomatoes I picked over the weekend. Hundreds of tomatoes later, I am done! But it's worth it. See the things I learned from dating Mat?? haha

Annoying things :(

2006-08-14T23:52:00.000-04:00

Ha, so I've been working for over a month. I have a "busywork" assignment to work on, and no one has even asked me about what I'm doing or checked up on me. Arrgh! I know I will miss this kind of thing when I have more important things to do, but still, annoying!

Also annoying: my schedule for grad school in the fall. I never had an algorithims class (thanks, Penn State!) so they were going to make me take a prerequisite... it worked out so that I can take one as an elective, but my tuition has already been paid and now it's all fucked up. Euurgh. Gotta talk to my boss about this tomorrow, since the algorithims class is at a different university...

Alive

2006-08-13T14:58:00.000-04:00

I'm finally done with moving. Gah. It's sad to be done with a big chapter of your life. I loved college, and I will never be back there as an undergrad again. It will never be the same again.

At least 90% of the study body does not live in our college town for the summer - State College, PA is a town made up mostly of college students (not many "regular" adults or professors live downtown). Downtown, you will find crappy apartment buildings (there are 40,000 students at our campus), restaurants, bars, and some stores. Everything caters to students. Student life is... well, maybe a bit crazier than at your average university.

Every summer, there is an annual Festival of the Arts. Many students come back, not for the purpose of looking at art (maybe that's just me, haha), but to party.

I let my little bro stay in my apartment for "Arts Fest" this summer. (I didn't go this year). Usually, he is quite conscientious, and since he would not be partying there, I didn't think there would be a problem. Yeah, you can see where this is going.

He left a bunch of dirty cups filled with some combination of genadine syrup and alcohol (probably Vladdy, ew) around, which I had to throw out. It looked like SOMEBODY vomitied in my bathroom, and missed the toiled a little bit. there was pizza on the wall. I also found a note from my neighbor, Ben, who apparently found my keys left in the door (he nicely locked the apartment and held them until my brother picked them up). argh, little bro!!!!!!! (if you have ever seen "The Real World, Key West" my brother is a lot like Jon (who also went to PSU). he's pretty typical of psu students).

The mess really wasn't as bad as it sounds, but still annoying (you would have at least thought he would throw away the note from Ben!). Now I have something to hold over his head (evil sister, I am) and will use it mercilessly so that I can stay at HIS appartment any time I come up for football games.

To think, I used to be one of those people who didn't drink. I liked reading and school. When we first started college together, my friend Emily and I agreed that we just weren't the type of people who drank and partied a lot. (Beer was gross, and we detested arrogant frat boys). HA! A couple weeks later, I was partying like everyone else. Emily eventuallly joined a fraternity (ok, it was the Chemistry fraternity, but still!). Sometimes, you realize that you are more like everyone else than you first thought.

Whee

2006-08-13T14:24:00.000-04:00

OK GO has the sweetest video for the song "Here it Goes Again." Dancing. On treadmills. Normally, I find treadmills mind-numbingly boring, but this is really cool.

the universe hates change

2006-08-12T00:56:00.000-04:00

Mat's little brother, Tony, got stung by a jellyfish at the shore. He was reluctant to go back into the water, but his friends convinced him that it wasn't likely to happen twice in a row. He got stung again almost immediately. This time, everyone agreed that he would definitely not get stung again and that he should go back in. After some convincing, he agreed. And guess what? He got stung, for the third time in less than an hour.

My older brother recently got a nose job. He had broken his nose (not once, but twice) playing basketball. To fix the damage, they did a rhinoplasty. That was less than a month ago. He was playing basketball again on Tuesday, and lo and behold, it got broken - again. He he another nose job today.

I feel as if I should be on the lookout for impending danger. The universe seems a bit cranky at the moment.

What do I need to watch out for, though? Speeding tickets? (I've had some near-misses) Broken car? (my lil bro's broke this week, so I lent him mine and took a rental on my trip) also think my boss might want me to do Temporary Duty in DC for a few months (which I will just smoothly change the subject when he gets near bringing up).

probably nothing will happen at all. I mean, how can anything exciting (good or bad) happen when I'm posting this on a Friday night? (I was going to go to sleep early, since I have to get up at the crack o' dawn, drive 3 hours, carry a bunch of shit down stairs, clean, move out, then drive back and unload the shit). There is a party to go to tomorrow night, but I doubt I'll be up for it.

btw, I fixed my layout a tad bit.

ohhh, ppl.

2006-08-10T22:39:00.000-04:00

why do i blog so much here? sometimes, I think I should tell some of my friends about this site. but then, everyone I know would be "all up in my bizz-nazz," which was kind of the point of not telling them in the first place.

Home again, home again, jiggity-jig.

2006-08-10T20:56:00.000-04:00

I'm home again. I like traveling for business, I barely have to work tomorrow because I put in a lot of hours traveling this past week. Yay! But, it's good to be back home, in my comfy bed.

I actually socialized with my coworkers today - went out to lunch with 3 of the younger guys and another guy who also came down for the week. They're ok. One of them also has to go to our unit's orientation session in Orlando, I think he's going to go down when I go, and hang out with me and the other LDP's. Now that I'm back home, I can stop feeling so tall (my little brother is 6'6", for starters). The cubicle walls at the office were a little short, so my head would stick above them. I was taller than all of my coworkers, male and female. I'm not even that tall (not quite 5'10"). psht. I guess it's just the flashbacks from trying to shop in the juniors department in junior high, and all the pants were like 6 inches too short.

In shallow news, I really like this dress! But I cannot pay $450 for a stupid dress (and where do I wear dresses, really? I think I have one wedding to go to this fall, but everywhere else is jeans-territory. )

Mat's mom is visiting him this weekend. I really like his mom (and his entire family). They are very Italian (sicilian), and try to force-feed me excessive quantities of food, which I am happy to eat. Who can turn down vodka sauce or fried zucchini flowers???

Unfortunately, I won't be around this weekend to see her (or is it fortunately?) I'm moving out of my old aparment in State College, even though I haven't been living there all summer. Ahh, the memories.

It's also a 3rd floor walkup, and I have furniture to carry down the stairs. Iiiiiiit's gonna suck!

GOALLLLL!!!

2006-08-10T00:36:00.000-04:00

I have never had Haagen-Dazs ice cream... until now. It really is good! I just ate about 800 calories worth. I have not worked out since Sunday. Looks like I'll be going on a loooong bike ride tomorrow night when I get back!

I want to lose 5-10 lbs. It's not that I'm fat, but I'm not... skinny? I hate the way clothes fit me. When you're kind of tall, you naturally wear bigger sizes even if you're not fat. Unfortunately, many clothes designers don't seem to recognize this. Instead of making a shirt with wider shoulders and longer sleeves, they will just make the torso wider. Then, not only are clothes too narrow in the shoulders and too short, they're also too wide. If I lost a little weight, I could probably fit into the next size down and this wouldn't be so much of a problem.

I guess this ws brought on by the clothes-shopping. Boo :(

But this is tax-free week in the district. If you're in DC, it's tax-free August 5-13th! But whatever. We don't have sales tax on clothes in PA (I live next to the second biggest mall in America), and there is no sales tax on anything in Delaware - about 40 mins from my house.

and Sasha gets off her lazy ass

2006-08-09T23:31:00.000-04:00

I actually did something today - I went shopping in Georgetown after work. I was going to go to Annandale (aka Koreatown) to look at all the cute Korean imports and get Korean food (I <3 Korean food) , but didn't feel like doing the traffic thing. Thus, to Georgetown!

I didn't buy anything - I wanted to get a cute outfit at Zara for my conference in two weeks, but they must have recently changed their stock (or else their stock is different here) and it looked like the 80's threw up everywhere. I like skinny jeans and all, but I think we can all say no to such things as the bubble shirt (because women need clothes that will deliberately make them look fat) and sweatshirts cut off at the neck.

I can't really be arsed to buy anything lately. I have a million clothes, it's not like I need any more. I passed by what looked like lots of Japanese shops in Rockville, but didn't even stop.

I stopped at a grocery store on my way out of the district. beer in the grocery store! haha. being from PA, this impresses me. Talk to anyone from PA. We are all amazed by such trivialities o.O

stupid things we argue about

2006-08-09T00:48:00.000-04:00

Matteo and I have the stupidest arguments. He'll say something dumb or untrue just to piss me off, I swear!! He likes to make up things. He'll say - "well, X is true," and it won't be. then i'll go around thinking it's true and look stupid when I talk to other people about it. gah!!!!! I've learned not to accept what he has to say.

Then there is the unnecessary advice Mat likes to give me. Like how I should fly to rack up the frequent flyer miles (Dear Mat, it takes much longer to fly to dc than it does to drive from Philly!) or where I should have stayed (yes Mat, I really should stay far away from my office so that it will take me hours to get to work in rush hour traffic!). Or where I should eat. Then, he proceeds to argue with me about these things... who the hell cares, anyways?

My old notebook journal is filled with examples of this. Oy vey!

Not that I am really one to talk. I am neurotic in my own Sasha-y way.

Every so often I will decide that I should have a real paper journal instead of a blog. It'll work for a few days, but then I can't stand it when my handwriting gets messy and makes it look "ugly," so I give it up and go back to the blog. Plus, I'm pretty sure others would try to read them (I know other people can read this blog, but the "real people" I know don't know about it. and it will stay that way).

CONFESSION: I once read someone else's diary - I was at an old friend's house (we had drifted apart years before) to wait for the fedex guy for her mom, who was at work. I was bored and I came across her diary. It was very boring :( It chronicled her trip through Germany and France (which SHOULD have been muy exciting, hot european men!) but was filled things like "the moon looks amazing tonight!" and "I called my mom today. I am excited to meet up with Nona and Pop-pop in England on Tuesday!" I was thoroughly disappointed. but maybe that is why I like to read other people's blog so much?

who am i kidding

2006-08-08T19:49:00.000-04:00

I really miss living in Colorado. It's so easy to get around out West - all the roads run north/south east/west and are laid out like a grid. The huge mountains are always to the west, so it's nearly impossible to get lost. I miss the Rockies. When it was hot, I would just drive up to the mountains to paint and chill. The scenery is mind-boggling. I would have to pull over and stare.

If you haven't been out west, go! Especially Rocky Mountain National Park - it's beautiful, you feel like you're in a National Geographic shoot. I also had a thing for breathing the mountain air. There is nothing like it on the east coast.

I miss my friend Lana from Colorado. She is such a pure, honest, and beautiful person. She is one of those people who radiates pureness (but without the sickening part). We are both very shy/reserved, I can relate to her so well.

Tuesday, Tuesday right by me

2006-08-08T19:31:00.000-04:00

I have no graphic design software. Hence making a layout for this site is kind of challenging.

Yeah, so here I am again, keeping myself entertained!! I accidentally ordered something for dinner that had meat in it (i'm a vegetarian). It should have been obvious, but I was a little trance-like from sitting through boring meetings all day and not thinking of the practicalities. I seriously considered eating it for a minute, but then shunned it after I looked up the ingredients. It's sitting on the counter, ready to be thrown away. I have not eaten meat for over 10 years. Eating it now would cause me to vomit, or to have, er, other digestion trouble. No thanks!

I've done the vomiting thing by accidentally eating beef broth in a soup before. My roomate from last summer (crazy ADD sorority girl, used to work at Hooters. Man, do I pick 'em!) had a friend who was incarcerated in Arizona. In Arizona jails, they don't feel the prisoners meat. When he got out, he had "digestive troubles" for over a month straight because he started eating meat again. Stories like this scare me!!!

Work is not fun. I have trouble staying awake in meetings! To be fair though, today some guy acutally did fall asleep ( I woke him up though. ha, the real world is just like school).

The one guy who was always at the meetings I call into turns out to be deaf! He has a strange accent, and sounds like a hillbilly over the phone (but otherwise speaks well). Poor guy, getting mistaken for a hillbilly computer programmer. Watching the interpreter at meetings makes them slightly more interesting.

My job also kind of sucks. I'm not doing real work yet (still working on my fake assignment), but it looks like I will be doing some testing soon. boo, kind of boring :( I work on a company-internal project, and our clients consist of other areas of our (very large) corporation. Since I work for a defense contractor, these projects are all really awesome ( I wish I worked on them instead! ) My internship last summer was flippin' SWEET (plus, I had friends there. friendssssss!) Oh well, I only have 5 more months to go on this assignment. Chin up!

Nasty.

2006-08-08T01:13:00.000-04:00

There is a bug in my hotel (are there more?????????) I saw one, it got away, then I saw it again. Ugh. I would complain, but it's 1AM, what are they going to do? I don't want it to smell like bug spray while I'm trying to sleep, nor do I want to repack everything and move. Don't wanna find another hotel either, so I'm just going to keep my fingers crossed that it was only one accidental bug. ASSHOLES.

Why couldn't I be traveling somewhere cool, like Denver (my second home!), California, or London? Come on, I am writing code for people in London, I should go visit my clients. Gaithersburg/Rockville are too suburban. When I go to DC, I'm usually in Arlington . (hanging out with Mat and his gay friend-friend-of-the-family friend, Scott, whos in his 40's, plus Scott's flaming neighbor, Gary). Sounds weird, but tons of fun. I should call Scott and have dinner with him, but I only know him through Mat, I'm shy, and I would feel weird. So, I will be a loser instead :(

Also, is it wrong to lie and say the scars on my leg are from rock climbing, when in reality, they are from cutting myself while shaving my legs (though the shaving was done in preparation of going rock climbing)? Ha, I write the longest sentences ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm grossed out. Also, I just ruined my 10-minute-old pedicure. ASSHOLES! ( too much Ze Frank? <3)

I'm going to stop my posting influx and go to sleep... need my energy so that I don't fall asleep during all the meetings tomorrow!

Reality.

2006-08-08T00:02:00.000-04:00

I was very disappointed today when I met one of the guys I "work" with. His voice sounded so cool! I was thinking Indian-New York-Stockbroker type. With just a little arrogance, very confident, built, etc. Unfortunatley he was, how shall we say, nerdy looking (though I still think he could get a decent girl because he has a great voice). The only "hot" boy was the intern, who is leaving on Friday. Bad Sasha!

I am, of course, the hottest girl on our team. This is not really a compliment to me, seeing as there are only two other (old, fat) women.

But still. It's empowering knowing that you are the most attractive employee in the office! (maybe this is how I became so confident??)

it changes

2006-08-07T23:19:00.000-04:00

So, the good news is that I've fixed the layout a bit so it's not so ugly. The bad news? I'm not done yet. Maybe tomorrow?

I'm in Maryland/DC "on business." While this makes it sound like I have a slightly cool job (I get to travel "on business!"), it's really not so cool after all. My hotel suite is just ok (their cable channel doesn't have MTV, wtf. I'm never staying here again! ok, shallow, but true!)

And, while being able to eat whatever I want "for free" is nice (yeah, so I've been grocery shopping for expensive food. Green tea pommegranate soda, anyone?? Imported french cookies?) , it's lonely.

I am traveling again in two weeks to a leadership conference for work, but I don't think that will be so lonely. For one, I'll be with all the other LDP's in my program (LDP = people in the leadership development program), and other genres of LDP's. LDP's are, in general, outgoing type-a personalities. Lot of socializing is planned. Then I will meet up with a few of them again in September in Orlando, for an orientation. That should also be fun :)

I had a really good convo with Mat tonight. Not sure if it's because we're getting on the same page now, or if it's because I'm lonely.

We used to talk every night on the phone. It grew to be annoying (for me). I felt smothered - why did I need to talk to him every day, often multiple times a day, when we had nothing to talk about in the first place?? And the whole saying "I love you" thing all the time that led into the uncomfortable (on my side) "I love you more" "no, I love YOU more!" banter. gag me. I've never been an overly cheesy romantic person, and I feel resentful over that (dumb, but true).

OK, I must get off the computer. I drove all morning, worked all afternoon, procured food, then went online again to fix up my blog. I spend WAY too much time on computers *_*

to dye for

2006-08-06T13:21:00.000-04:00

I'm dying my hair again. I've had this color hair since October, but I think it makes me look ditzy. At least 10 people I've met at work have asked me if I'm in a sorority... not that there is anything wrong with being in a sorority, but I kind of want to give a better first impression.

Besides, the dye is killing my hair anyways - hello, split ends.

So, I'm going back to my normal color (which I a shade or two darker). I'm making my mom give me natural lowlights tonight so that I can grow it out without roots - hopefully, I chose the right color, and hopefully, she does a decent job.

I feel as if I'm tempting fate.

Away

2006-08-04T10:25:00.000-04:00

Will be in Gaithersburg MD and Rockville MD next week on business. Either I will neglect to post entirely, or I will post obsessively because I will be bored in my hotel room. :(

Hey Jealousy

2006-08-03T21:38:00.000-04:00

I am not the world's most patient person. I think it's because I think that the faster I get my work done, the more time I have to lounge around doing fun stuff (for the record: not true. A 40 hr week is still 40 hrs, no matter how productive I can be).

My older brother just bought a house. A nice 3-bdr garaged townhouse with a master suite (walk in closet and huge bathtub), finished basement, cathedral ceiling, etc etc etc.... I'm so jealous! I know I only just started working and saving my (lack of) $$$, but I want a house now! He doesn't even care about things like a walk in closet or nice bathroom.

But then again, he is 25 (almost 26, in October) and is just moving out (of living with our parents). Will I really be so hard up for a nice house that I will live with my parents for three more years, like him???

I sure as hell hope not.

My mother is a realtor, and convinced me to stay at home to save money for a down payment on a house, instead of throwing it away renting (I also think she is suffering from empty-nest syndrome, as she would go from having 3 kids at home to having none if I moved out).

FUCK OFF

2006-08-02T19:23:00.000-04:00

I think I HATE work. I'm in a rotational leadership program, and I'm on my first rotation as an applications developer. I HATE HATE HATE it! I don't have a real assignment, just some bullshit busywork that no one cares if I do (they even told me this).

I HATE that I am bored out of my mind and it's a stuggle to even do it, and yet I feel guilty if I'm not "working up to my full potential" since I'm in this stupid "prestigious" program. I panned my "assignment" for a day since I don't know VB (!!!!) to teach it to myself, so I've been multitaking - learning VB and socializing with a co-worker(the only other young one!) and my Colorado intern loves from last summer<3 <3 on the corporate IM service.

Only 5 months left!

If my next rotation is in development I'll fucking DIE. Seriously, I hate my job sometimes, and I just started. I want to do something fun!!!

Somehow, I thought it would be better than this

2006-08-01T21:36:00.000-04:00

Growing up isn't all it's cracked up to be. How do you know when you're an adult? I have trouble taking people seriously who claim to be adults, because let's face it - very few of us college-age people are "adults," aside from meeting age requirements.

After 17 years of being a full-time student, I'm cut loose. Everyone is going back to school in the fall. And me? I'm working. Thinking about things like pension plans, which I don't fully understand. Doing things because I'm obligated to, not because I want to. For the next, let's say, 42 years until I retire?

As part of my job, I'll be continuing with grad school in the fall. I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread, though, to the last 17 years of my life. I'm definitely out of my comfort zone. Who the hell am I??

it pains me to say it, but my dreams now are things like winning the lottery, or marrying a rich guy so that I never am obligated to do things I don't want to again. If only I weren't so damn practical! I'd be a hippy and teach yoga, write, or study unprofitable subjects like french or anthropology. If only I didn't care about money, or have to ability to earn it! :(

Why can't my life be like some cheesy romance novel, where the bright spunky heroine proves that women are liberated, gets the rich/goodooking/titled hero, and gets to lounge around being wealthy for the rest of her life and quits the working drudgery even though she is now "empowered" because honestly, working sucks and most people would not want to do it, empowered or not. If I was rich, my goal in life would be to be a stay at home mom! All my education, down the drain!!!

Oh well. My life is definitely not like a novel. It's not that interesting and there's no witty dialogue. Welcome to the real world, Sasha :(

CS!

2006-08-01T00:04:00.000-04:00

I think I'm spending too much time with Anna. Anna is from Queens, and I am starting to talk like her (meaning, I keep saying "effing" all the time). I started to write, but had to erase it because every other word was "effing." I need to eliminate this word from my vocabulary. I already say things like "yo" and "wooter" being from Philly, I don't need to get any worse.

I bought a rainbow maker!! I'm such a little dork.

Sometimes, I worry that I would wear cowboy hats or cowboy boots if I was originally from Texas. I'd like to think the answer is no, but deep down, I know it would really be yes. :(

ha! so today, I think I'll stop talking about Mat and my lack of a life. I'll tell a little story instead:

Now, I was a compsci major in college. Statistically, Only about 10% compsci students are women. I have been the only girl in class many, many times. It's weird, to say the least. Before I started college, I never considered "discrimination." I thought it was loooong dead. And maybe the "old-time" outright chauvanism is. But it does happen!

See, some of my male peers apparently thought I was a moron. I'm not. I graduated in the top 2% of my class. I had a 3.82 GPA. I'm not the most brilliant person in the world, but I definitely did better than many of my male counterparts. In my major we did a lot of group projects, and several times "the boys" wouldn't discuss things with me, even though I knew more about the project than they did.

I think the worst time was in my advanced database group. I was in a group with 3 boys I didn't know. At meetings, I would attempt to talk about the project. One boy would work on it by attempting to reconstruct one of his past projects (which wouldn't fit in with what we were doing). When I tried to help him (ex, "this is the syntax for PHP. that's why you're getting 89 errors) I would be ignored. The others didn't know anything, wouldn't try to do anything, and fooled around. I won't go into everything, but the breaking point was when they were fooling around and started looking at porn. Lady titties. I don't need to see that shit! I had already taken over (in a nice, gentle way) and had divided everything up. They hadn't done their parts, I had reconstructed the project to work, and now I was pissed off.

Lesson 1 is that I don't take people's crap (normally). They wouldn't get back on track, I wasn't going to do their work while they jacked off and refused to try, so I fired myself from the group and took my project with me. Did I mention this was one week before the project was due??? <3 I got an A (AND extra credit) and they did poorly, to say the least.

The things that still bothers me is that I didn't say anything directly about the porn. I didn't call them out on it, I didn't mention it to the prof when I told him I was quitting and splitting away. I should have told them where to SHOVE IT.

Ironically, they were very upset, particularly one kid who I think might have had a crush on him. He wrote me long, "internet-drama-ful" emails from the "group" about how I had screwed the group and I should come back. I would post our series of emails, but they're long. (allbeit HILARIOUS). this post is long enough already! To this day, that boy reads my "other" blog every day. Either he doesn't hold a grudge, or holds a scarily creepy grudge and mocks everything about my life to his other jack-off buddies. I don't really care, I'm doing pretty well :E

and of course, in one of my baby programming classes, one of my cs friends told me I was one of the only girls in the class that wasn't a complete moron. Unfortunatley, this was true. There were a lot of stupid cs girls who couldn't program well. They would giggle and get boys to do their program for them. I worked with my college's head professor, and he was always asking me how we could get more girls interested in CS. I could go on an on about this, but I won't, since it's boring. But when I come across books like Unlocking the Clubhouse, I like being able to identify with other women in IT (even though the book's kind of old).

I used to be quite shy. Quiet. But since starting college, I've become quite the big mouth :) I've gotten used to needing to assert myself all the time.

Or Lack Thereof

2006-07-30T23:39:00.000-04:00

I made Mat go biking with me yesterday. Acutally, we had fun, even though my left eye started rejecting my (old) contact lens and secreting pus. Gross! One frantic call to the eye doctor later, it turned out that I didn't have an eye infection and my eyes were ok to wear contacts today.

I went to the Jersey shore today with Mat, Anna, and Tim. Also had a lot of fun. What is wrong with me??????????? One day I decide I can't stand Mat anymore and I have to break it off. The next? I am having fun and deciding it isn't so bad - that's it almost like it used to be, and I'm crazy for wanting to break up with him.

I wish I knew what I wanted. So what do I want??

I want to have someone different than Mat. I want someone who is more assertive, a bit scholarly/career-minded, not so socially awkward. Someone who I think is dead sexy and can't keep my hands off of (has the attraction to Mat waned? yes). But I also want someone who loves me like Mat does, and can be my best friend like Mat.

Why does everything have to conflict with each other??????? There are some qualities of his that make me DESPISE him. Others make me love him. I really, really want to cry. I can't figure out if I'm wasting my time, or what will happen.

I'm afraid that breaking up with him would be the biggest mistake of my life. It's not exactly like I have so many other prospects! So I'll break up with him and date NOBODY, since I don't know anyone I'd like to go out with. Most of my friends are friends with him, so meeting someone in a social situation with them would be AWKWARD as HELL. But staying with him - would I just come to resent him more and more and make things even worse????? waste more time and destroy our lives when we finally break up?

Vroom Vroom

2006-07-30T22:58:00.001-04:00

My little brother's car broke down (this time, probably for good), so I have been letting him use my car to get to his internship. He only have a couple weeks left, and my brother and father both work at the same office building as me (though for a different business unit).

Well, to make a long story short, they're both asshole and cannot seem to take me to/from work, EVEN THOUGH WE WORK AT THE SAME BUILDING. To make a long story short, they both screwed me on Friday and wouldn't take me to/from work. Is it really my fault that my little brother's car broke down? No. But since I'm apparently the least important person in my household (my older brother: I'm leaving when I feel like it, and going with friends so I can't be bothered to take you. my dad: i'm going on vacation! you dont' need to work 40 hours a week! set a bad example to your new boss!)

I end up taking my brother's car to work. It has an electrical problem and randomly stops working. Well, naturally the car broke, but I managed to coast into the parking lot (despite the fact that traffic goes 10 mi/hr, boo).

Well, I come out of work in the afternoon and go to check it out, now that I have time. One problem: the key does not fit in the lock! It's the same make/model/color/year as the one I drove into work. The inside is clean, and my brother just cleaned out his car. I am standing there for a few minutes before I glimpse the same exact car parked two spaces away, hiding behind an SUV. His car. Yeah, I tried to get into someone else's car.

That is soooooooo typical of me. But at least I laughed at myself and broke my pissy mood for a little while.

But why do they have to treat me like shit???? Then, when I get mad about this, I am suddenly a "bitch" for complaining.

The Shame!!!!!

2006-07-28T22:50:00.000-04:00

Oh yeah, major shame attack. I've been designing websites since I was 11 (11 years ago, so half my life - holy crap, I'm old!) I am skilled with Photoshop, html, php, asp, etc etc etc, yet I am using a premade template! And a (relatively) ugly template! Well, this is the shame of my "secret blog," I guess - no domain name, no real hosting, no coolness. My other blog that my family/friends read is so cool-looking, sigh. I'll have to step it up! Eventually. Anyways.

I have plans for the weekend~! I'm forcing Mat to go cycling with me! Ok, maybe forcing is not the word. It's just that he NEVER suggests ANYTHING to do, and he will do whatever I suggest. So, we will cycle along the Schuylkill River bike trail! It's only about 12 miles long in one direction, so it's a pretty easy ride. Mat has, how shall we say, "gained some girth" after graduating from college last year, so he is not in shape. His idea of exercising is to play a round of golf, then eat a large tub of popcorn at the movies. It's not that I really mind about the weight. It's just his constant talk about getting in shape and then no attempt. Stop the preaching already! But I digress.

These jackets from Chic Blesk Krasota are so hot! Too bad there are none for sale even remotely nearby. I live by Philadelphia (and also by one of the largest malls in the world). New York is but a stone's throw away. I'll be in DC for two weeks next month for work. How can there be no stores carrying their merchandise in NYC, but some in North Dakota? There are like 3 people that live in North Dakota :(

Yeah, I also forgot to mention that I'm *finally* going to the beach! I'm going on Sunday with Anna, her bf Tim, maybe Mat, and some other people we knew from college (although, we are both admittedly not their biggest fans). You know what this means? Shopping!

Ha, I sound so shallow, but I love it. I need to buy a bathing suit tomorrow, and I have an excuse to get a green top I wanted at H&M, but had nowhere to wear it to. Bathing suits at H&M are a joke, they look like bras or are made for the chest size of a 12 year old boy. Actually, finding bathing suit tops sucks! I'm tall, so one-pieces often aren't long enough. Most bikini tops are made for a range of A-B cup. Of course there are more expensive options for those of us who aren't flat-chested, but BY GOD, I have trouble spending $100 on less than a square foot of material. I wonder if Zara sells swimsuits?

Another long post? I need to keep it short & sweet! And also find a profile picture that makes me look less billious. It was taken in Paris in the winter (oh Paris, how glamorous you are!). I have so much I want to talk about!

A Little Background...

2006-07-27T22:11:00.000-04:00

I am someone who is always getting screwed. Figuratively, not literally. If only that were my problem!

I'm twenty-two years old. I just graduated college in May, and I live at home. With my parents and brothers. Brother #1 is moving out at the end of the month because he just bought a house, and brother #2 will shortly be going back to college. So, it will really just be me and the parents soon, but I'm going kind of crazy living here. Why don't you just move out, you ask? I want to save my money, so that I can move out into a nice house, rather than a shitty apartment. I'm sure you will hear me complaining about this from time to time, because it sucks, but it doesn't suck more than paying $1200/month for a crappy one bedroom apartment.

I moved back home after going to Penn State and getting a degree in Computer Science and I'm a software developer at a big medical company. Hopefully you won't hear me whining about computers, because that would be boring. Also, I should have more of a life than all this whining!

I also have a boyfriend, Matteo. He is Italian-American. I have been dating him for almost 4 years, and have just come to the realization that I have wasted the last 4 years of my life. Mat doesn't realize this. I need to break up with him, but I can't! I feel so bad. Also into this equation is the fact that I am a virgin. How did that happen, you ask? Well, Mat is Catholic (naturally) and wants to wait till we're married to have sex. I don't, to say the least. So, I'm not completely innocent, but damn, how did I become a 22 year old virgin?

My plan is to break up with Matt soon. Poor, poor Mat, I don't know what to do. Every time I plan to do it, I chicken out. Bawk bawk, that's me, Sasha-chicken.

Friends? Ha! Let's see: There is my friend Emily: a great friend, smart, kind of nerdy, creepily close family, but she's going to grad school in Iowa soon. My friend Anna, who I graduated with, just moved down my way from NYC. The only problem? She's in a fantastic relationship with Mat's friend, Tim. They were roommates in college, though they're not close lately. Anna lives about 40 minutes away, and she's also a good friend.

From here's it's dubious: I lost contact with a lot of my high-school friends, who I was never totally in love with to begin with. My "bff" from high school is Lizzie. Lizzie lives in the city, has dubious choices in friends sometimes, and can be flaky but we have so much fun together! Except we haven't really hung out in awhile. Guess I should renew this friendship, so I can expand my (non-existant) social life. Dan is a good friend, but he's also Mat's good friend. Madison, a nice, fun girl who hooks up with (aka "is a girlfriend to" despite the fact that she has a boyfriend already). Madison is moving to Michigan this weekend. Yippie yay.

I've been working for three weeks so far, and have NO FRIENDS at work! Seriously, everyone in my department telecommutes. No one is my age. There's no one to eat lunch with (but at least I get out a half hour early due to my lack of a lunch break). I went out to happy hour my first week with a girl named Allison (26) who works in my area and some people she knew from the company, but that was two weeks ago, she almost never comes to work, and I have no life!!!!! argh, people......

OK. Now you know something about my conundrum. I HAVE NO LIFE. It's not like I'm trying to be antisocial! I like to party. I'm not unattractive. I'm fun to be around. I'm nice. I'm talkative. Please, dear lord, let it get more exciting soon!

Love,
Sasha